There’s been a book floating around – you’ve seen it if you’re on Facebook or some other social media. I went to look for it and found several books, two rap songs, and a plethora of tshirts, GIFs, and blog posts proclaiming No Fucks Given.

On Amazon, under self-help, I finally located The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Hanson. He says: “In life, our fucks must be spent on something. There really is no such thing as not giving a fuck. The question is simply how we each choose to allot our fucks. You only get a limited number of fucks to give over your lifetime, so you must spend them with care.”

I gave a lot of fucks towards raising my autistic children, and I got a lot of fucks back. If I had to name one key lesson learned in working with autistic children, it is finding their perspective on a situation. And to look for the motivation behind a behavior. Cuz nothing occurs in a vacuum, there’s always pay-off.

They call it Functional Behavioral Analysis in Special Education circles. In software, it’s Root Cause Analysis, asking 5 why’s. FBA is a little simpler, proposing that all behavior meets a need or gets a reward. A pay-off. A fuck gotten. Sometimes it’s a physical need – perhaps to alleviate stress. Sometimes, maybe often, the pay-off is attention. We adults might call it negative attention but I’m not convinced it feels that way to a kid with autism. They really don’t see the negative, long-term consequences of their behavior.

Sometimes I don’t see the consequences either – I complain too much, and my negativity cuts into relationships like a scalpel. I get a short-term pay-off, unloading a bit of my pain, but it doesn’t change things for the better and the load piles on top my love, respect, concern for another, weighing it down. Ugh.

Anyway, it makes me wonder whether it’s all about the fucks you give or the fucks you get. Maybe the attitude that suits me better is I don’t care – I love it (Icona Pop). I do what gives me the feeling, money, status, fucks I want. Because I love it.

Maybe I’m just saying the same thing; maybe there isn’t a difference between not giving a fuck and not getting a fuck. But all the earnest writing about no fucks given, all the t-shirts and graphics – seems like folks protest too loudly. It’s cute and attention getting language – but why don’t we just call it what it is: over-commitment and craving for acceptance. We wouldn’t invest if we didn’t care, if there wasn’t a pay-off.

Be honest with yourself. If you want acceptance, go find it. If you need to be busy to keep the madness at bay, then be busy. Look at the pay-off with new eyes: is it the one you want? Be mindful of what you give and what you get in life.

Most of all, just go get the fucks you want.